The U.S. Congress in Action

Congress debating a resolution on the color of shit, sounds simple doesn’t it,  but NOOOOOOO,  these idiots could complicate a one float parade so I decided to write this as a satire on my observations on how congress works.  In reality they only waste time and taxpayer’s money on important stuff right?

Congress has come into session and all the usual hooha , pomp and ceremony has taken place and a resolution is brought before this illustrious law making body befitting their stature. It has been decided to determine the official and binding color of shit as determined by the United States Congress.  Lets call it HOUSE Resolution # 2.

House Resolution #2  to determine for all time the official color of shit is now open for debate. The Republicans start the debate because they have a majority and because Tea Party members are carrying concealed weapons.  ( Just so ya know I’m not a hypocrite, I carry too.)

Congressman Cletus B. "Jubel" Pusser III of Mississippi gives the summary of the conservative stand on this issue.   “ The color of shit is brown,  it has been brown since the beginning of time about 8 thousand years ago.”  “God almighty made it brown so you could see it and avoid stepping in it while strolling through the Garden of Eden.”  “We will not accept nor will we acknowledge any alteration to Gods word.”

Congressman? Woman?  Tinker E. Bell gives the liberal point of view.  “ It is a known fact that on occasion for reasons that occur in nature that shit is not always brown.”  “It can be green, yellow, and several different shades of brown to even black.”  “It would be unconscionable and immoral for us to leave out the other colors.”  “ We will not allow the omission of other colors of shit no matter how rare or whether they are natural or man made.”  “ If our conservative colleagues continue to insist on this narrow minded view point we will filibuster  until Jesus Christ returns or we are visited by Aliens which ever comes first.”

At first the tough stand by the liberals  took the conservatives by surprise, you could hear whispering  on the right side of the aisle, things like “ what the hell, when did these fagots grow balls?"  "Looks like  we're a gonna to have to stomp some liberal ass.” And “I always knew that congresswoman beeotch was hiding balls in them suit pants."  "Lesbian beeotch we’re gonna have to railroad her fat ass next election cycle, get Carl Rove on the phone right now.”

Once they recovered from the brief shock of the party of NO NADS showing a pair, the conservatives quickly rose to the challenge.

The biggest craziest Tea Party  Congressape,  N. Ander Thal   takes on the liberals with the skill and Zeal of an SS Storm Trooper.
" Shit is brown,  God made it brown and there is no natural way it can be any other color.  We have studies that show alternative colored shit is a choice and unnatural and we will not support it.  If you liberal socialist rats filibuster and keep me from my Scotch and 700 club program we’re going to wreck every social program you hold dear.  We will introduce so many anti abortion bills and anti gay marriage bills that your damn grand children will have 10 kids each and not one fag will ever have the right to fricken live much less get married.  If that doesn’t scare you we will pass an amendment to the constitution that will limit the air liberals can breathe each day.”  

The liberals were stunned by the attacks and lost their new found Nads.  Many peed their depends and pants, one even had to go the congressional  restroom to puke. They were hiding under their seats and desks shaking like little mice that just got chased by a cat.  

There was a recess at this point so the congressional house keeping staff could mop up the blood, pee and vomit. It was a union job so it took forever and cost the taxpayers 3 times what it should have. I guess the kicking out of all the illegal aliens had some unintended consequences.

At some point the session reconvenes and the more moderate members of the left make a suggestion.  “Look maybe we don’t know shit so why don’t we form a bipartisan committee to observe  various places where shit is likely to occur and draw conclusions based on our observations.”  That sounded ok but there was an argument on who had to observe the congressional toilet, a big job since congress is known to be full of an abnormal amount of shit.  That problem was solved by sending the Rep. from Virginia who was 102 and spent most days on or in the toilet anyway.  The rest picked areas they were familiar with in their own congressional districts  like the YMCA toilet, the airport men’s room and some ladies room in a gay bar although no one really knew what gender was actually using that one. This one was handled by the liberals. A comment from a political pundit, was heard on cable news as follows “Personally I am a little freaked out by the fact that there were so many congressmen willing to hang out in rest rooms and watch,” but that’s another story. No female member was known to have volunteered. 

After months of observation the congressional crap committee  returns to discuss their conclusions.

The conservative  committee members gave the floor to the liberal “crap committee” members first.  They gave the following ;  “ We have spend hours, days and taxpayer money hanging out in restrooms looking at shit and have come to the conclusion that we can offer the following compromise.  We will concede that the color of shit is several different shades of brown  if the resolution wording is such that   1.) There is no specific denial that shit can be a color other than brown.  2.) That the color of shit shall not be deemed as ordained by God thus preserving the separation of church and state,  3.) If sometime in the future there should be solid scientific evidence that a color other than brown does occur that this resolution can be amended to reflect that evidence at a future date.   

The conservative response was surprisingly mild. There was a statement that to leave God out of the resolution was an affront to the founding fathers intent that this be a Christian Nation and there was some reluctance to concede the possibility of a change to the resolution later.  After a recess and a meeting of the party leaders with the hard core right members they came back with a 
counter offer.
“We will concede the verbiage including the omission of a reference  to  God, however, we need the resolution to at leased refer to the brown color as the natural color according to the U.S congress because we know our shit. We will allow the inclusion of changse based on new Scientific evidence however we reserve the right to come up with some bull shit counter science and strike down the change.”

Rumor has it that the house speaker and the majority whip were able to convince a couple of  Tea Party hold outs to change their  minds and vote yes and swing a narrow bipartisan passage of the resolution.  Something about a secretary and a hummer  or a secretary that drives a Hummer, or a promise of a Hummer either the SUV or whatever. Who knows?

A few far left liberals were reluctant to vote yes but the minority leader reminded the Atheists caucus that  “we got rid of  God”,  so just frikken vote yes.  The Gay rights caucus dropped their demand that the restroom observation continue indefinitely for future reference.

The news leaked out that there was going to be a vote soon and a likely compromise version for House resolution  #2 was going to pass.   

FOX News Reports “ Another victory for the Patriot conservatives in the House,  The good guys got everything they wanted and the godless evil commie pinko fags on the left were beaten again.”  “We shall now have a minute of silent prayer to give thanks.”  S. Hannity  FOX NEWS  "WE REPORT YOU DECIDE"

Disclaimer; ( I in now way mean to infer that the real Sean Hannity is a lying sack of crap wing nut blow hard.)  and a chicken had lips.

MSNBC News Reports that "a compromise deal for the House Resolution Number #2 is going to come to a vote and is expected to pass there is no word yet on what the compromise consist of but we have to assume that no one freaking knows what the hell they are doing in congress anyway”.    ….. this  quote was from someone unknown who was a guest on Morning Joe.  

The 700 club news,  “ This is a travesty and an affront to God and I have received a divine message while I was getting a happy ending massage from my personal assistant Ms Hahn,  that God will send a meteor made of holey shit to strike down the sodomites in congress.”   The Right Reverend F. Leghorn  (guest) , “I concur 100%”  Reverend P. Robertson  (Host.)

Disclaimer; ( I do not in anyway infer that the Reverend Pat Robertson or any of his guests on the venerable 700 club are BATSHIT crazy.) Damn, there I go lying my ass off again.  Sorry

The  vote went down with a few small Hitches,  several of the hard core Tea Party conservatives refused to vote yes and several of the more liberal members also voted no refusing to concede to reality.  There was however finally a bi partisan approval of House resolution .#2 and the color of shit was resolved for now, well until the next election cycle or a change in the political balance of power, in which case the Bull Shit starts all over again.

So there you have it.  Our congress at work, making our lives better and preserving the American way. Rumor has it that a giant Pharmaceutical company poured millions into the Republican coffers and lobbied to eliminate any reference to shit being green or yellow.  There is an alleged problem with one of their laxatives that causes terrible gas  pain along with weird color changes and they don’t want to have to deal with that bull shit.  There is a liberal grass roots movement starting up called Rainbow Poop.  I wonder if that’s Gay or what?

So boys and girls do you know more about how our congress works?  I think you do. As for me  I don’t give a shit.  Brown, yellow green purple whatever, it’s still shit and it stinks.


If you saw the humor in this piece let me know, if you at leased understood what I was trying to convey through this satiric effort but it’s too real to be funny I understand.  If you are offended by my disrespect and or lack of good grammar not to mention the profanity Then why did you read this crap in the first place. 

There’s lots more to do and I’ll be back with more stuff that is at leased entertaining if not informative.   Bye for now.

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